Dealing with Elderly Parents Who are Failing

My mom is visiting for two weeks and staying with us. Since before my dad passed (almost 2 years ago) we noticed mom's short term memory was failing. Now it's worse and she even gets hostile over little things.
Yesterday, I took mom to a beauty salon to get her hair just washed and set, to pamper her. She was livid when I pulled up at the place. In fact, downright hostile and nasty to me. She said that about 8 months ago she had her hair dyed and the beautician messed it up, and made it orange. She was furious and the dye didn't come all out, so she had to live with it for 2 months (I guess). She panics over everything, and expects the worst- so she thought the local beautician I took her to would "destroy (her) hair!" I assured her it wasn't a cut or coloring, just a simple pampering and wash and set.
- I was humiliated in the salon when she kept raising her voice and telling me what an insensitive jerk (my words) I am to do this "hateful, nasty thing" to her.
I understand the fear from what happened to her, but told her that she needs to trust other people to not do the same thing, and trust me to not bring her to a non-professional.
The beautician, Diane, calmed her down and patiently listened. She was awesome. By the time my mother was under the hairdryer she calmed down.
She looked good afterward, but never said "thank you," and at lunch later, she didn't remember being hostile to me.
I've heard that's a sign of dementia (and her short term memory isn't good at all). So, jokingly I told her "I'm not taking you to get your nails done!" I can only be run out of so many local places (not that I ever go to nail salons, mind you). :) So much for pampering mom on her visit.
There is one good thing. After all that drama, she didn't scream when I told her she's here for 2 weeks instead of 1 week. Whew! (Okay, so I'm still trying to be optimistic here).
I believe she needs assisted living, but she's stubborn and "doesn't want to live near old people." Yes, she's 82. My brothers and I have a lot to figure out in the near future. It's all very sad to watch a parent age and lose their faculties.

Some Down Home Maine Humor

One of my adopted "Moms" lives in Maine, and she sends the funniest, most entertaining emails to us. Here are a couple of them that you may enjoy. They made us laugh out loud!

Summer's almost here in Maine .........we can now see the deer moving around. Yep, won't be long.

SOME MAINE REFLECTIONS ABOUT GETTING OLD:
1) INTERVIEW WITH A 104-YR OLD:"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?," the reporter asked. She said, "No peer pressure."
2) THIS COULD BE FROM AN ELDERLY MARYLANDER: I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes, I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia, poor circulation; Hardly feel my hands and feet, Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God I still have my driver's license.
3) WORKING OUT: "I feel like my body is totally out of shape, So I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over."

Feds rate U.S. nursing homes - Search for Ratings Here

Because Tom and I are in our mid-40s and are parents are aging, we've been made aware of nursing homes (Tom's grandmother was in one before she passed 2 years ago, and our friend Beverlee is now a candidate for one after she gets out of the hospital). We also have a number of friends whose parents are in nursing homes and it is always tough to find a good one.
Fortunately, USA Today published a story today with a federal gov't assessment of nursing homes throughout the U.S. There's a searchable database by name of facility, or if you just put in your state, all of the nursing homes will come up in alphabetical order. This is going to be very helpful to anyone. To search for nursing home ratings by state, go to:
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-12-18-nursinghome_N.htm?csp=DailyBriefing#database

A Nursing Home Visit

We went to a nursing home in Baltimore today to see our 86 year old friend Beverlee. Prior to that we hadn't seen her in 3 weeks, when I picked her up from the VA Hospital and brought her home. At that time, she was hospitalized for breathing difficulties (she's had them for years) which have become increasingly worse over the last 3 months. She's been on oxygen 24/7.
I met Beverlee 4 years ago at our friend Terry's house for Thanksgiving dinner. Terry met Bev at her Vet's office, and Bev was distraught having to put her cat down that day. Terry, being as she is, invited Bev to Thanksgiving dinner that week. Since then, I've always taken Dolly and Franklin to see her in her apartment in Baltimore City. She's funny, energetic, and very comfortable around everyone.
Today was a different story. She was sleeping when we arrived, and looked incredibly frail, now at around 75 pounds and drawn. She was hooked up to oxygen. The nurse woke her, and she recognized Tom and I, and the Dunkin' Donuts coffee and donuts we brought her. She seemed to go in and out of consciousness -getting fuzzy in between, and we couldn't understand her about 70% of the time. I wound up feeding her the donut, a little piece at a time, and she sipped the coffee through a straw. In her 15 minutes of lucidity, she wished Tom "happy birthday" (it was Nov. 23 and she remembered), and Dolly, too (hers was Nov. 29th). After about 45 minutes she was exhausted, and drifted back to sleep.
We just have the feeling that she's not going to be able to go home. She can't walk anymore, and can't even feed herself. She seems too weak to do anything but wake for less than an hour and sleep. It's heartbreaking to see her this way. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. Bev has been a great friend over the last 4 years, and we love her very much.

Aging and Difficulties- Part 2

It's Saturday, two days after I took my 86-year old friend Beverlee home from the ICU at a Baltimore hospital (she's on oxygen and in failing health). I called to check on her, and she's not well. She's totally disoriented in her studio apartment, and panicking. She hasn't been able to eat, and doesn't want to call the folks in her complex to assist her -
Fortunately, Beverlee was able to give me the phone number of her neice in PA, and I called her. She and her husband are coming down immediately to get Bev and bring her back home with them. At least Bev will be safe and watched.
Since I picked her up from the hospital on Thursday night, Bev has been going back and forth with her timelines in her conversation. She's not been totally coherent-which has me very concerned. Bev also mentioned what she wants for funeral arrangements, etc. which tells me she's preparing to "go home" to her husband that passed some 46 years ago. I stayed on the phone with her for quite awhile today, helping keep her company until her neice arrives.
The tough thing is that I have no power of attorney to assist her in the ways she needs it- that's where family is so important. As we grow old, we really need to make sure we have someone to look after us. - I'll update this over the weekend.

The Sadness in Getting Old - last night

Last night gave me a lot to think about. My 86 year old friend, Beverlee called me during the day and asked if I could pick her up from the VA Hospital ICU in Baltimore City and drive her home after I got out of work. Of course, I did.
Bev had lung cancer and recovered successfully years ago. She's also had other lung-related ailments, although never a smoker. Over the last year, she's lost about 20 pounds and stands around 4'7" and weighs around 80 pounds. She's extremely frail, has severe breathing difficulties and has used a walker for the last two years. She's also been on oxygen 24/7 since about 6 months ago. I've watched the physical abilities fade from her over the last two years, mostly the last 6 months.
Bev's husband passed away some 40 years ago when he was around my age. She's never forgotten him. He was and always will be the love of her life. His pictures adorn her apartment.
Beverlee has one son who lives in another state with his family. She doesn't like speaking with him, because he's apparently very selfish. She wonders often how he turned out that way. She tells me that she can only turn to a niece and her husband for help, who live in Pennsylvania (a 90 minute drive), so she called me.
Up until last night, Beverlee has had all of her faculties. However, pulling out of the VA Hospital parking garage last night, she kept asking me "where did you park?" I told her we were driving in my truck. She asked again. Finally I asked who she was talking to, and she said "Darlene." I told her Darlene wasn't in my truck, then she realized where she was.
She also kept talking about a nasty young woman that she was currently "working with in an office" - so it sounded like she was remembering something from the 1950s or 1960s. Then it got mixed in with being at the hospital. I couldn't follow it. She became paranoid that that nasty woman would follow her and I back to her apt. or call her and harrass her. I told her there was no one.
When I got to the apt. bldg where she lives (a retirement building, but NOT assisted living, which she so desperately needs), I parked outside (on Charles Street, a main street in Baltimore) and ran and got a wheelchair to bring her inside.
Once inside her apt. she collapsed on her bed, while I helped organize things a little. She looked very frail, and I wondered how long it would be before she wanted to join her husband in Heaven.
Her oxygen machine wasn't working either, so I called an emergency technician who arrived 1 1/2 hours later with a replacement. While we were waiting, she lay on her bed talking occasionally about the hospital, and how she needs to immediately move to assisted living. (I gave her a bunch of places to contact, several months back). Once rested, she seemed more coherent, and the technician arrived and left. So I headed back home. I call and check on her almost every day, as I do with my own mom (300 miles away).
I think the big fear is growing old and not having anyone to help us. Tom and I talk about that, as we won't have children. However, at least we can be there for others. That's what life is about. Please keep Bev in your thoughts and prayers.

The Outrageous Cost of Assisted Living

My friend Beverlee (85) wants to go into assisted living, because she's legally blind, frail, and in failing health. She finds it difficult to cook for herself and is unable to leave her apartment.
My friend Cynthia is looking into them now for her dad, and discovered the range is between $3,500 and $6,000 for assisted living! Here's a link to a fact sheet: http://www.eldercare.gov/eldercare/Public/resources/fact_sheets/assisted_living.asp
As for nursing homes, she said they're cheaper but rooms are shared and you can not bring your own belongings. To get into a nursing home that medicare will pay for, you have to be hospitalized for 3 days or more, then medicare will pay 100% of a nursing home for the first 20 days, 80% for the days 21-100...then you have to get medicaid from the state if you can prove you cannot pay.
This is what so many are facing now, and everyone should plan...