Tip from a Blonde Woman about Replacement Windows

Here's a tip from a blonde woman about getting REPLACEMENT WINDOWS this winter:Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the
contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had
been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales
guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would
pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so
I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

An Ostrich Story: Be Careful What You Ask For!

 

Thanks to Maureen in Mass. for sending this great story:

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and
turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and
the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
   Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual asks the waitress?"
   "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
 Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
   "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
   "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
  "That's right…Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,
the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
    The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

Joke of the day!

From our friends Cathy and Cindy in PA, a great joke! 

Redneck cemetery headstones?

Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder:
1) The DNA is all the same
2) There are no dental records

A joke for the Day: "The Italian Man of the House"

This great joke came from Mom F. in Maine- This reminds me of Delegate Emmett Burns in MD who told me that he's the "man of his house," and won't vote for gay marriage because he doesn't understand what a 50-50 marriage means. Anyway, enjoy! 

 THE  ITALIAN MAN OF THE HOUSE 

Tony  had just finished  reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of  Your House.'

   He  stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on,  you need  to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You  will prepare  me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my  meal, you will  serve me a sumptuous dessert After dinner, you are going to  go upstairs  with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

  Afterwards,  you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will  wash my back and  towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will  massage   my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb  my  hair?'

   His  Sicilian wife Gina replied, 'The funeral director would be my  first  guess.'

Another classic joke: The Golfer and Forgiveness

Here's another great joke from Mom F. in Maine. I don't know where she finds them, but she always makes us laugh!  The Golfer and Forgiveness Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked,  "How many of  you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad. "Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," he replied gruffly. "Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped  their hands. "Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?" The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,     "I outlived all the sons of bitches."

JOKE: A Blonde on an Airplane

Thanks to Mom F. in Maine for this funny joke!

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO CHICAGO WHEN A BLONDE IN  ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS  SECTION AND SITS DOWN. 
   THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. 
  SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK. 
  THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO CHICAGO   AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." 
   THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT. 
  THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. 
   THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M  GOING TO CHICAGO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." 
  THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST  THIS BLONDE WOMAN, WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON. 
   THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE." 
  HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,  AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES  BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY. 
   THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND  ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT  ANY FUSS. 
  "I TOLD HER, FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO CHICAGO."

"A Wise Doctor" Joke for You

Here's a funny story for you - and appropriate for me because I'm going to the doc's on Friday. (Thanks to Mom F. in Maine for this one)
A WISE DOCTOR: A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

A Great Joke About a Classmate...

This joke was sent from Mom F. in Maine- who comes up with some really funny ones! Enjoy! Rob
*****************************
My Name Is Alice , And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For my first appointment With A New Dentist. I Noticed His DDS Diploma On The Wall, Which Bore His Full Name. Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-Haired Boy With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 40-Odd Years Ago.
Could He Be The Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then?
Upon Seeing Him, However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought. This Balding, Gray-Haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too Old To Have Been My Classmate.
After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He Had Attended Thomas Jefferson
High School. 'Yes. Yes, I Did. I'm A Mustang,' He Gleamed With Pride.
When Did You Graduate?' I Asked. He Answered, 'In 1956 Why Do You Ask?' You Were In My Class!', I Exclaimed.
He Looked At Me Closely. Then, That ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, fat, gray-haired, trollish, decrepit SOB asked, 'What Did You Teach???

Computer Problems? You'll love this story!

Mom F. from Maine sent me this story. Enjoy it!
"I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year
old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him
to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He
replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten
T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure
it out.'
So I wrote down: ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little bastard."

"A Story From Jerusalem"

Joke of the Week: Think Twice Before Making a Hard-Sell

Here's a great joke from Mom F. in Maine. She has the best ones ever!:
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good
morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time,
I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she
proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in
the door and pushed it wide open.
'Don't be too hasty!' he said..'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'
The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.'

A Joke for you - from John in VA Beach

Our friend John in VA Beach has a great sense of humor. He sent this to me today:

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.